After last night, I will have to say that I’m one of the luckiest people in the world in this fan base. I’ve met so many different people, from all over the US and even around the world. I’ve had various experiences, good and bad, with individuals. I’ve participated in projects for the guys. I’ve been talking to the QDfans more than my friends at home, since things are just so busy and crazy lately.

As you know, my life hasn’t been that easy. I’ve been trying to find a breakthrough moment, something or someone to cheer me up. I know it’s just going to get harder in the next few years, whatever may come my way. I hope to grow stronger after each challenge, but right now it seems like my dreams are too close and I’m not up for the hardships.

Last week when I was in the room, I explained how I’m the friend everyone calls at 3am in the morning if something is wrong or if they need a good cry. I’m the voice of reason, the person who can talk to my friends and calm them down. I’m always the person who picks up the phone, even though I have early classes in the morning. I’m always the individual who will give them the truth when it hurts. I’m always the individual who will take care of them.

When he asked, “Do you have someone who you can call at 3 am?”
I remained silent. No one takes care of me. So I lied and said someone’s name. At the time, I couldn’t think of anyone who I could really talk to. I wasn’t sure why.

I’ve been looking forward to Quietdrive’s show at the House of Blues all semester. I had a few shots with Rachel at the bar beforehand, which is definitely useless if you’re the street team captain- so next time, no drinking! I had so much fun with the street team and Rachel last night. We had a bunch of fun just hanging out with each other at the merch table. Taylor and Mary are so sweet! Shannon and her Erika are just totally awesome. And I broke Sid’s concert virginity! I remember dancing on the dance floor, blowing kisses to Kevin and singing with everyone. I remember twirling with Rachel, allowing some little kids in the front to see Quietdrive, and being quiet at the end of their set. I was very happy when I was with the fans, laughing and talking very loudly.

I loved being the goofy one; it reminded me of how I was long ago. My awkward, friendly self who wasn’t shy. Sure, I was drinking but everything else- that was the real me. The person who I want people to see.

At the end of the show, I remember being sad for some odd reason, perhaps my friends will tell me what was going on later. I think I bitched out a few people as well. My mind’s a little fuzzy as to what happened or whom I talked with.

Though Rachel and I went to Angels and Kings for the after party at 10:30pm, we had to leave before the guys came because she had work at 7am and I had an early class at 8. So we made the right decision to leave.

When I went home with Rachel last night at 11pm, I was pretty much the lowest person on the planet because I’d be back to my “normal” life in the morning. Apparently when I’m sobering up, I think harder and I realize my life in a different perspective. I’m more objective. I got to see what I’ve been avoiding. At 1am or so, I needed to talk with someone so badly. Luckily my friends were online- Addy, Chelsey, and Jenni. Addy stayed with me until I decided to go to bed. I talked with Chelsey and Addy for almost two hours. Addy stayed with me until 3am or so until I decided to go to bed. We talked for a very very long time, about life and our friendships.

I remember just feeling bad and crying for three hours. What made me feel bad? I haven’t the slightest clue. However, I remember that I found out what was making me hollow. I still remember the reason. I also found out what could make me whole, what could just solve this empty feeling that I’ve had for a very long time.

I’m being re-birthed into a new person and I’m taking this change all too hard. I’m not allowing myself to breathe. Most people crash during this stage of their lives, but I’m going to fight. I need to succeed in finding where I belong. I need to center myself again. I need to be loved.

Tonight, I talked with Addy on the phone for three hours and Chelsey for two hours. I’m completely blessed to know these people because they understand what I’m going through. We talked about everything- music, education, venting about stuff, and our dreams. They remind me so much of the friends I’ve had in high school, though they live hundreds of miles away from me. I never get to talk to people like them on a regular basis in person, but now I can breathe knowing that I can make friends who care about me and actually listen to what I say. They can relate to me. They have dreams like mine. And plus, they also have very good sense of a concept of the world in a unique way.

These are the people who I can call at 3 am. These are the individuals who acknowledge the fact that friendships are a two way street. These are the friends who remind me that giving myself is good, but I must also receive in turn. They repeat the message that me that I am human. They communicate that I can make mistakes, say stupid shit, and just take it easy.

I’m truly blessed to know Chelsey and Addy. I hope that there are more people in the world like them.